Thinking like a friend.

I have been mentally all over the place for the last few days.

I felt determined when I wrote my last post, then I got really depressed, then frustrated, restless, and now I’m starting to feel a little more balanced out.

Shortly after writing my “goals” post, I started to beat myself up. Thoughts like “too fat for Jamaica”, “hippo in a bikini”, and “I’m such a fatass” started bouncing around my brain. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh.

If I’m being completely honest, I do want to look slim and trim for my tropical trip in January. But I already havetons of proof that diets and “lifestyle changes” are not for me, and it’s way too easy for me to slip back into disordered behaviors.

I don’t expect to be perfect, ever. For the rest of my life, I’ll probably slip up and write up a spanky new diet plan when I’m feeling weak and insecure. But hopefully, I will always fight back. Sooner or later I will remember that I am good enough just the way I am, and that being thin or fit is a just a physical trait, not a virtue.

After writing up my goals and eating plan, I felt the overwhelming urge to overeat. So I did, a little bit.

After that I felt fat, so my thoughts turned to “I’m so fat, I shouldn’t even bother trying to lose weight for Jamaica. I should just go the other way, really fatten myself up.” (isn’t my brain fantastic?)

So I ate some more the next day. I had cookies for breakfast, sour cream glazed Timbits for a snack, and very little real food. Of course, I felt like absolute crap. I was depressed as can be (think Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh).

I went for a massage last night, and it lifted my spirits enough to attempt an escape from my negativity. I was having a lot of trouble falling asleep, so I decided to try something new.

I’ve read a little bit about mantras, and I picked a simple one. “I love myself”.

I thought it over and over and over, and gradually dropped off to sleep.

This morning, I felt normal enough to have a regular breakfast (scrambled eggs, 1 pc of toast, and a couple pieces of bacon) and pack a normal lunch, instead of overeating then starving myself all day. I feel much better, like I am back on the “balanced” track.

A little self-love goes a long way.

To anyone who is struggling with fat feelings, sit down, close your eyes, and say “Hey negative me, sup. I just want you to know you are beautiful, just the way you are now. You don’t have to change a thing, and you can eat that cookie if you want to. I love you, and I will never abandon you.”

Just give it a try, you might feel better afterward.

On a side note, I found a blog that I absolutely love! It’s all about Health At Every Size and body acceptance. I could definitely take a few pointers from this amazing, confident woman. Check out Dances with Fat!

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2 comments

  1. That’s not to say going the other way and just eating whatever tastes good whenever you want to is a good idea either… Diet planning can be good if done right and for the right reasons… like being healthier and living longer. Weight loss should just be a nice side effect and not the main goal. Just concentrate on not clogging your arteries, staying away from harmful preservatives, and getting all your nutrients! Be health conscious, not weight conscious 🙂

    1. I was very health-not-weight conscious and developed orthorexia, so I have to disagree with you on this. Diet plans are definitely not for everyone.

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