I have been mentally all over the place for the last few days.
I felt determined when I wrote my last post, then I got really depressed, then frustrated, restless, and now I’m starting to feel a little more balanced out.
Shortly after writing my “goals” post, I started to beat myself up. Thoughts like “too fat for Jamaica”, “hippo in a bikini”, and “I’m such a fatass” started bouncing around my brain. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh.
If I’m being completely honest, I do want to look slim and trim for my tropical trip in January. But I already havetons of proof that diets and “lifestyle changes” are not for me, and it’s way too easy for me to slip back into disordered behaviors.
I don’t expect to be perfect, ever. For the rest of my life, I’ll probably slip up and write up a spanky new diet plan when I’m feeling weak and insecure. But hopefully, I will always fight back. Sooner or later I will remember that I am good enough just the way I am, and that being thin or fit is a just a physical trait, not a virtue.
After writing up my goals and eating plan, I felt the overwhelming urge to overeat. So I did, a little bit.
After that I felt fat, so my thoughts turned to “I’m so fat, I shouldn’t even bother trying to lose weight for Jamaica. I should just go the other way, really fatten myself up.” (isn’t my brain fantastic?)
So I ate some more the next day. I had cookies for breakfast, sour cream glazed Timbits for a snack, and very little real food. Of course, I felt like absolute crap. I was depressed as can be (think Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh).
I went for a massage last night, and it lifted my spirits enough to attempt an escape from my negativity. I was having a lot of trouble falling asleep, so I decided to try something new.
I’ve read a little bit about mantras, and I picked a simple one. “I love myself”.
I thought it over and over and over, and gradually dropped off to sleep.
This morning, I felt normal enough to have a regular breakfast (scrambled eggs, 1 pc of toast, and a couple pieces of bacon) and pack a normal lunch, instead of overeating then starving myself all day. I feel much better, like I am back on the “balanced” track.
A little self-love goes a long way.
To anyone who is struggling with fat feelings, sit down, close your eyes, and say “Hey negative me, sup. I just want you to know you are beautiful, just the way you are now. You don’t have to change a thing, and you can eat that cookie if you want to. I love you, and I will never abandon you.”
Just give it a try, you might feel better afterward.
On a side note, I found a blog that I absolutely love! It’s all about Health At Every Size and body acceptance. I could definitely take a few pointers from this amazing, confident woman. Check out Dances with Fat!