grow: depression, i has it.

FYI: this is a lonnggggg, personal and slightly depressing post.

I’ve been really struggling for the last couple of weeks. I feel depressed and stuck, and definitely not like I’m ‘growing’.

Here’s a personal little tidbit about me; I suffer from severe bouts of depression that can last 1- 3 weeks, and when it happens it’s just awful.
I turn into a super negative, sedentary, aggressive and straight up mean person.
I obsess about my weight and my body. I call myself fat and put myself down at any chance I get, and have the urge to starve myself down to a “reasonable” weight.
I shut down and numb myself to emotions.
I’ll swear, yell and say hurtful things to the people I care about so I’ll be left alone.
I generally drift unhappily through life until something happens in my brain and I can snap myself out of it.

I haven’t suffered from a bad bout since January-ish. Like end of January. Which is really really good, but at the moment I can feel myself going in that direction.

Here’s why I think I’ve been so down in the dumps:

1. I haven’t been to open gymnastics in a month. And that sucks, because it’s fun and physically challenging.

2. The time I spend doing yoga has gone down drastically.

3. I want to lose weight, but don’t want to go back on a diet because I’m afraid of what it will do to me mentally.
4. I feel like I’m just not good enough at dance. I’m so envious of the girls I would be performing with if I had stuck with it. I’m disappointed that my technique isn’t perfect, and I haven’t learned anything fun and new in quite a while.

5. My job is making me want to shoot myself. Not actually, but it’s the worst place to spend 40 hours a week.
I understand that every job will have it’s downsides, and I’ll probably never have a job where I look forward to going in every single day, but I have absolutely nothing good to say about my job. I get super sick to my stomach every Sunday night because I dread and stress about going back to work the next day, and I’m sick of it. I want a job that is bearable.

6. I saw a job that looked absolutely perfect for me. Summer baker position, early hours (which I love), nearby, pays more than my current soul-sucking job. And its baking! Incredibly, I got an interview, and it went well, but I don’t think I’m going to get it. I can usually tell when I’m going to get a job, and I got a very “undecided” vibe from my interviewer. I guess we’ll see what happens, but it gets me down that something I want so badly just isn’t in my reach.

7. I signed up for my first race the other day, a 10K in my parents’ town on September 24th. I was super excited, then I went for a run. And my leg started to ache in an oncoming-injury way, not an I’m-working-hard way. Fuuuuuuudge.

I actually feel much better after writing my problems out. I feel more organized and like I can handle things better.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want to try to figure things out and avoid sliding into a nightmarish depression.

With all that written out, here’s what I’m going to do to keep going in the right direction.

. Try an actual yoga class. I know I’ve said I’m going to 2 zillion times, but this time I fo’ reallllls am. There’s a brand spankin’ new studio about 10 minutes away, with a Saturday 12:30 class. No excuses, I’m trying it. Trying something new will give me a little boost.

. I also might give kickboxing a try this week. I’ve never done it, and it looks like a good time. My BFF is doing a class on Wednesdays, maybe I’ll join her.

. Bake my little heart out this weekend. I’m thinking yeast-raised baked donuts, yeaahhh buddy.

. Do my best in dance. Seriously, it’s all I can do. And remember that I am still awesome, insanely strong and flexible, but it’s going to take more time before I can be as good as I was like.. 6 years ago.

. Don’t stop trying for baking jobs. Or just other not-soul-sucking jobs. And if all else fails, start selling my own baking under the table.

. Be my gorgeous self. Don’t lie around in my jammies all weekend, because that could bring on lethargy and low self esteem, which can trigger a wave of depression. Get dressed, make my hair look nice, put on a little make-up, and feel good about myself. I deserve to!

. Eat healthy, whole meals this weekend. No mindless bowls of chips while watching TV, no handfuls of munchies just because they’re there and look tasty, and no bites of brownie just because I was in the fridge. Eat when I’m hungry, eat healthy for the most part, then move on.

. Pay close attention to my bothersome leg muscle. I’m going to ice, stretch and foam roll. And I’m also NOT going to run if it hurts. I would rather not run for a couple weeks now instead of pushing it and injuring myself around crucial training time.

. Remember that I can choose to be happy. Depression is not the only option.

Ok, well that’s it for today. If anyone actually made it through this whole post, congrats. I’ll send you a cupcake in the mail or something.

See you soon. 🙂

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